


Logically

by Wonndr



Category: Ghost Hunt
Genre: Bruises, Choking, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Painkillers, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-01-29 10:07:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21408415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonndr/pseuds/Wonndr
Summary: After a particularly harsh vision, Noll takes one too many painkillers.
Relationships: Lin Koujo & Shibuya Kazuya, Oliver Davis & Hara Masako, Oliver Davis & John Brown, Oliver Davis & Lin Koujo, Oliver Davis & Matsuzaki Ayako, Oliver Davis & Takigawa Houshou, Oliver Davis & Taniyama Mai, Oliver Davis & Yasuhara Osamu
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. Part 1: Not him

**Author's Note:**

> Totally self-indulgent, perhaps part of the series seeing I left quite a few hints to other stories, it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth developing. 
> 
> It’s more of a character study than anything else. 
> 
> No beta and unedited, if there are any errors do feel red to point them out, I might’ve overlooked or simply been unable to comprehend my own idiocy.

Noll wakes with a choked gasp, tears burning in the back of his eyes and his vision blurs when he wipes them away, furiously rubbing at his face. He slumps back onto the chair and holds his head on his hands, elbows on the desk. 

A sharp pain shoots through his right arm when he makes contact, the hit a bit too harsh on the sensitive skin, rubbed raw on that expensive carpet. He thought he’d seen that carpet before.

Breathing becomes quite the task, sobs racking his body, chest heavy and full and so hollow still. He feels lightheaded, a numbing sensation preventing his full focus. He still didn’t know what had gone wrong, if anything had gone wrong at all. 

A shiver ran through his spine and, no matter how much he willed himself to, he couldn’t forget the contrasting scalding hot hands that groped and grabbed and held too tight, that bruised and hurt _so much_. 

His forehead dropped onto his desk and his arms found their way around his middle, holding with the strength he didn’t have. He thought he’d throw up, but nothing came. Perhaps the nausea in his stomach was somehow an alert to something that already happened, although, in his struggling racional self, he knew it didn’t happen to _him_.

It had been a girl - not him. Named Ichibara Otake and still he could _swear _that man had said his name.

_His name._

_”Oliver..”_

A whimper left his mouth before he could stop it, and the cold sweat seemed to freeze on his skin, he couldn’t move, could only tremble violently.

He’d get sick.

It took him all of his willpower not to give in and cry out, ugly and loud, and call for someone - _Lin_. Still, he stood, as quiet as he could. In his hazy mind he could still make out the ruckus outside of his office door, all of his obnoxious irregulars, and how loud they were, so _loud._ His head was pounding and it was only a matter of luck that he didn’t so much as stumble on his way to the bathroom door. 

He did stumble while crossing the door, nearly fell were it not for the sink to be just in reach, and his held tight, white-knuckled hands gripping the porcelain for all their worth.

They were stinging too, and from such a minor thing, he thought.

He unbuttoned his shirt, slow and steady, counting his breathing, in and out, with each of the buttons. His shirt open, he allowed himself a moment of rest, hands holding onto the sink again. 

He looked up.

Big mistake.

It wasn’t unusual the lingering remains of any bigger wounds from a vision, the harsher the worse. Although, for those same injuries to manifest as they had with the actual victim... his breath caught in his throat as he took in all kinds of bruises littering his torso and up. 

His breath hadn’t come properly yet, the hand prints bruising purple on his neck, red around the edges. Splotches of green and yellow too, he saw, and it looked gross, disgusting. 

He reached to touch it, stopped, and took off his shirt. They covered his arms too. There were fingerprints, handprints, rope burns... he couldn’t breathe. It hurt too much not to be real, so he reached to touch his elbow. It stung, red and raw.

He turned on the faucet on cold and washed his face with the utmost care. Another stab of white hot pain through his spine and he gripped the sink again. A grunt escaped his mouth, through his gritted teeth. 

He turned from the mirror and sat heavily on the covered toilet, and regret came immediately as the same pain intensified and god he wanted to throw up but he didn’t seem to have the energy to either. 

_”Take-chaann,” _his breath caugh again, a bubbly _thing_ clogged his throat and he felt like crying. Suddenly, he was not in his office’s bathroom, and his mind power was not enough to convince him of the reality,_ ”why are you hiding, little doll?”_

_The door slammed open, his dark eyes met hers and she couldn’t utter a word, the scream she’d wanted to let out never came out of sheer **fear**._

_Large, heavy hands grabbed at his arm, and then the other, and now he was face to face with him, eyes widened, blind, stinging and it was all he could do to stop the whimper from reaching the other’s ears._

_Though it seemed his expression was enough._

_His arms wouldn’t move, no matter his will, the hands near his shoulder gripping too tight, so he kicked with all his might. His vision failed for a moment when the back of his head hit the ground. He could swear he’d seen a spot of light._

His chest was too full with something that wouldn’t come out, it couldn’t come out, if he let it out they would hear and he didn’t want that.

Why didn’t he want that?

He covered his mouth with both hands, and curled deeper into himself.

_Soon those hands held his thighs, too rough, held them wide open and he cried out-_

_STOP-_

“Stop it...” his breathing was getting heavier and he couldn’t have that. They would hear.

He didn’t want that.

It hurt _so much_.

He found his hands opening the cabinet above the sink, grabbing a tiny jar. He took one - a _few_ \- let them fall onto his open hand and he was out. His tea was cold but he didn’t care - he swallowed them all at once and fell back onto the chair with a gasp. 

His arms found his middle again, as if that would stop the pain from coming, soothe what’s already come, but it didn’t do anything beside, maybe, alleviate the nausea that threatened to come back.

It took a while - he didn’t know how long - until the cold feeling on his skin melted away and he felt warm all over. His breathing had slowed down too, he noticed, and he let out a relieved breath at that.

He still shook tremendously and he didn’t know why, but wouldn’t question it. Wouldn’t question the still very strong feeling of large, rough hands _everywhere_, couldn’t question it, he knew, he didn’t want to know. Maybe he’d acknowledge it later, but later wasn’t now and now he needed to _forget_.

_”Ahh...”_ that man, he sounded so pleased, amused even. He sounded like he was teaching a _child_, for how gross it may sound, or a dog, though he wouldn’t decide on which is worse. He’d call her - _his_ \- name like he owned it and Noll took a moment to process - it had been a while since he’d felt this _terrified._

_“Beautiful..”_ a warm feeling had bubbled up in his chest at the praise - he could feel it strongly back then. And for all the warmth holding him at the moment, his chest felt so cold. 

And empty.

_“Oliver.”_

An overwhelming numbness enveloped him moments later, and for a few seconds he panicked and thought too many thoughts, and he grew tired, groggy, like he’d just woke up and was very much ready to fall back asleep.

Only he wasn’t at all ready to fall asleep.

_”Oliver.”_

Those eyes, cruel and cold and hellish hot at the same time - they weren’t looking at her, they were looking through her - at _him_. And he knew, and that man knew and how did he _know?_

He knew that carpet. He knew that bathroom, he knew that painting, he knew that bed, he knew that _place_. He _knew_.

But his mind wouldn’t provide him any more than that.

_”S-Stop-”_

He stood, slowly, on shaky legs, and did his best not to fall as he walked away from his chair, holding onto his desk for dear life. 

He should go home. But he’d have to cross the main room.

His mind was heavy, but it didn’t pound anymore. It didn’t hurt anymore, so maybe he was better. 

The numb feeling around him, everywhere, it made it easier for him to forget. It was too hot inside, and on his hands and face. 

He’d definitely get sick.

His hair stood on end, a cold air hit the back of his neck and he gasped. He barely felt it when he fell to the floor, against his desk. His mind wouldn’t help, he didn’t notice the sudden silence on the other side of his door, nor did he hear Lin’s voice calling for him, the light knock, the opening of his door.

He could hear himself breathe tho, and that was good enough for him.

Hands were on him again and he cried out, pushed them away out of instinct before he could fully grasp who it was that touched him. A soothing voice calmed him and his eyes adjusted to the brighter light coming in through his door. 

“Lin...”

Suddenly the light was everywhere, and cold hands were on his face, thumbs soothing over his cheeks. He was sitting, he noted, on his armchair. One of the hands left his cheek to touch his neck and it _hurt_. He didn’t want it to hurt, he didn’t want to choke, breathing was too hard, _he _had trapped the air on his throat with a squeeze and he’d held it tighter and tighter and it hurt too much. 

The fingers left his neck and moved to just beneath his shoulder - he’d grabbed him there too. It took him a moment to remember he didn’t have his shirt on.

Lin was talking to him - his mouth was moving. His eyes looked desperate, panicked even. He couldn’t blame him though - he was too. But he couldn’t have him panic, he couldn’t have him scared. It didn’t hurt as much, the heat inside didn’t sting, didn’t stab at him like... like... he was okay.

That wasn’t him.

_”Oliver.”_

He had slipped - _something _had slipped and he’d let that happen, but it didn’t really happen, it wasn’t _him._

It shouldn’t hurt anymore.

_”Noll.”_

Oh.

His face met Lin’s shirt. Took a moment of hesitation, though soon there were hands around him, holding him. He was fine with that, he was okay. It didn’t hurt. 

He felt so tired.


	2. Part 1.5: Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a quick two-chapter story, though the second chapter has proved to be quite difficult to.... accomplish. It just keeps getting larger and I have yet to find a way to stop it. The ending isn’t very clear but it’s there and there’s a point to this story too, I simply need to figure it out exactly.
> 
> As you know for I have said it on the last chapter, this started as a simple character study of sorts for my own pleasure, but it’s developing and I... I’m not leaving it until it’s done.
> 
> This chapter is part of the second, the tiny beginning - it’s very tiny. 
> 
> It seemed like a good idea to do this, so next chapter shall come soon enough. Thank you.

All chatter came to halt when a heavy thud sounded from Noll’s office. Lin sped through the room and in less than a second the door was open and the man was inside. They heard him gasp and saw him fall before what they assumed would be Noll. 

“Oh dear,” Ayako let out when Lin had Noll’s arm across his shoulders, a hand on the smaller man’s waist. She narrowed her eyes, concern deepening her frown, “he looks so out of it.”

“Naru..” Houshou calls when the other older man let Noll onto his armchair with the utmost care. He couldn’t avoid all the bruises, though he did his best not to press too hard. The monk approached slow to take a look and rushed to the bathroom for the first aid kit. 

Mai and John went to warm some water and got a couple of hand towels. They couldn’t help the glances towards them ever too often. Ayako had her thumbs soothing over his cheeks, cleaning tear tracks away. Her own breath hitched at the sight, her chest tightened and she couldn’t help but think this might have been the first time Noll looked like the boy he’s supposed to be. It was hard to believe he was but a year older than Mai, and Masako too.

Monk soon returned with the kit and took out some aloe while Yasuhara took to preparing the bandages. A grimace he put into place and he willed himself not to look, not to speak, not to question, at least not yet.

But _damnit_ if he wanted to.

Ayako let her right hand from his cheek and he absently turned away, eyes glazed. Lin was beside him again - where had he gone off too? There were papers on the table, over a black notebook. 

She took some of the aloe onto her fingers and neared his neck, touched light and slow. He wasn’t looking at her - was looking at Lin as said man spoke, soft though not very quiet. They all pretended not to notice the obvious wavering of his voice. Still, through the younger man’s faraway gaze, she saw the pain in his eyes, in the down curve of his lips, in the sharp hitch of his breath. 

His shoulders were a little less tense once her hand left his neck, but he didn’t seem to notice when her other hand dropped from his cheek. Lin had his hands on him in a second, one grabbing his arm, the other rubbing his wrist. He didn’t seem to notice that one either, but they couldn’t be sure.

They couldn’t be sure it was fear in his eyes that they saw, when Lin gripped his arm. 

“Noll, can you hear me?” Lin searched his eyes for an answer, and his frown deepened when he found none. “Can you tell me what happened?” He did his best to keep his voice calm and firm and soft but the slight tremble to it couldn’t be avoided.

His heart beat too fast in his chest, pounded away, perhaps nearly as terrified as he felt - as he thought he felt, he couldn’t know, he couldn’t _think_. “Breathe with me, Noll.” Though that didn’t seem like a very good idea.

John and Mai had returned with the towels and the water, but Lin couldn’t pay much attention to that. He could only watch as Noll’s eyes dulled and closed, and he could only wait, open his arms as the boy fell forward onto his chest.

He weaved his arms around him and held, sighed shakily.

It took him a few moments of complete, thick and suffocating silence for him to care to move, or speak.

“We should,” he started, paused and tightened his hold the slightest bit. “We should care for the bruises.” He turned to the others. “Let’s let him rest for now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, you’re awesome peeps. Do leave a review if you like it, I’d love to know how you feel. If not, leave a kudos. Please. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, please look forward to the next chapter cause it’s going to be quite lengthy. Thank you again.


	3. Part 2: This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -is everything you can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I present you lovely people 5k+ words worth of a frustrated thought dump, I hope you enjoy.  
This is kind of the aftermath of what happened in the last two chapters and for something I had intended to work on for, at most, a week, it’s become quite a bit too big for what I’d imagined. Not that I dislike it, I actually like how it turned out and truly hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Changed the title because I felt it fit the story better, although if you think not please do tell, I’d love some feedback on that too, thank you.
> 
> It was a bit harder to write than expected and I feel it’s lacking in some aspects, do feel free to give out advice, I’ll take notes. Thank you.
> 
> Unedited as per usual, I’ll probably pick these up in a few months when I cooled off the steam and am willing to get back to it but for now and without any more delays and blabbers, enjoy!

Monk sweats a lot, so he usually takes an extra shirt with him on the hot days. After treating Noll with the creams and bandaging the more prominent bruises, Houshou gave his extra shirt to Lin. 

It looked way too big on Noll, he thought.

Lin dropped onto the armchair with a grunt and, for a moment, nobody dared to say a word. That until he picked the papers and the notebook ere forgotten. John was coming back from the bathroom with the towel on his hand and the recipient refilled with fresh water. He put a hand in Noll’s head. “It feels like he’s getting warmer.” His brows furrowed and the corners of his lips turned down unconsciously as he laid the damp towel over his forehead. It wasn’t guaranteed to do something, and Noll seemed to insist on laying on his side too, so John would just have to hope it’d help in the least.

“This is the file he was working on,” Lin spoke all of a sudden. John felt his chest freeze, and his throat constrict, and he couldn’t utter a sound with the bubbling feeling clogging his throat and a heaviness he couldn’t place clouding his mind. He could only try to breathe, and maybe he could try to _think_ though that seemed too farfetched of a thought. “Ichibara Otake, 24 years old, choked to death.” Somehow, thinking seemed to be the most painful task at the moment, and he couldn’t necessarily stop it either. Sooner or later, it’d start pouring, he thought. “Her body had been thrown into a river, they assume, a few days after she was dead. The culprit hasn’t come to light and the family requested Noll looked into it.” He had the notebook open, though he didn’t seem to be reading it. John noticed his eyes were fixed, frozen even. He looked so lost it was painful to see.

“At least,” he spoke again, “that’s the police’s first statement.” He sighed, heavy. “Noll did take a quick look, and it was enough to know she hadn’t been thrown into a river. He said he saw the events in a flash. That first statement had been just a cover-up for... for their lack of speed and efficiency, as Noll had put it. They didn’t want to be the ones to ask him for help either.” He crossed his legs and, for come reason, John thought it comforting to see. “Back then, the family hadn’t been allowed to look at the body yet, as it had been found in a.. an important neighborhood. The doctors were performing an autopsy too, and only a few weeks later did we get the results and the new statement.”

He skipped through a few pages, looked at the notes for a moment too long, and the air in the room seemed to become thicker and heavier by the second. It was hard to breathe, most didn’t even know if they were breathing at all. 

“She was beaten, raped and left to die in a basement beneath a garden and near a well, choking in her own blood. The quick rotting of her body was due to the place where she’d been kept after death, they supposed.”

They didn’t know how long they could hold their breath, nor did they know how to let it out.

“Those bruises aren’t normal to have... if it’s just a vision.” It was Houshou, slow, voice strained and... small. His eyes stared at Noll as if seeing him for the first time, wet and fiery hot. Ayako thought he looked a little scary.

“I don’t know what could have happened, this is the very first time something like this... Controlled or not, visions are visions and the toll on his physical body only mirrors injuries when they’re more serious, and even so it’d be only a remainder of it existing.” Lin had the notebook closed on his lap. “And it seemed like he didn’t understand it either.”

“He looked... he looked hypnotized. He looked like he wasn’t really aware of himself.” Yasuhara said, a shiver coursing through him at the image of Noll’s eyes, glazed and unfocused, and *so deep*. “And still-“

Noll stirred in his sleep, a groan escaping his mouth. The towel dropped to the floor, but John didn’t dare move to pick it up. He froze, hands stopped mid air, unsure what to do, how to _help_.

Lin was beside him in an instant, hands hovering in pretty much the same way as his. He didn’t look as panicked as he probably felt. 

Another grunt sounded before them and Noll was opening his eyes ever so slowly. It took a while for him to acknowledge them, perhaps a bit too bothered by the sudden light, but when he did he reached his hand towards them.

It landed on John’s hair.

John felt a different kind of warmth caress his cheeks, pleasant, and a flustering bubbly feeling grew on his stomach. _These were better_, he thought. These feelings, they didn’t weigh on his head, didn’t make his temples throb, didn’t make him feel nauseous and gross. He felt a smile stretch his face before he could stop it, and it only grew when Noll’s sleep-heavy, thick and maybe even a bit slurry voice spoke to him in _english_. 

“You look like an angel.” 

A laugh bubbled up in his chest and escaped him easily and suddenly his hands could move again. It didn’t feel wrong when they touched the hand on his head - he felt the same comfortable warmth fill his chest and distantly wondered how feelings could change so suddenly, but paid no mind to it at all. He held Noll’s hand in his and his smile didn’t leave him when their eyes met. 

“Noll,” Lin called and they broke their gaze. “Noll, how are you feeling?”

It took him a moment to answer, and he didn’t seem to mind having his hand still trapped in John’s. “I don’t feel... much of anything, honestly.” He said, at last, slow and thick. 

Lin frowned. “Did you take anything?”

“I-“ Noll hesitated a few times, mouth opening and closing, until he started again. “Painkillers?”

“Was that a question?” He didn’t answer, didn’t have the time. “How many?”

His eyes widened slightly for a second, as if he wasn’t expecting him to ask him that, to _know_. It looked like he didn’t even _remember_. “A-A few-“

“Oliver-“

“Lin.” Houshou had put a hand on Lin’s shoulder, firm and a bit too heavy. Lin sighed.

John felt his hands cool when Noll’s slipped from his grasp and moved to help himself up. Houshou acted first, with steady hands, and John stood by to help if needed. 

Lin stood back and watched. He didn’t know what to do.

“You shouldn’t get up yet, I’ll-“

“I’ll get some tea.” Mai stood and sped towards the kitchen. 

Noll’s eyes chased her as she went, and turned to Lin, who still stood a bit too awkwardly for his naturally imposing stance. They locked eyes. “I’m fine.” Noll pressed, strength returning to his voice and he moved to stand again. “What time is it?”

“Nearly six. You slept for about two hours.” Houshou had his arms over his chest - not crossed but _holding_. He couldn’t help it as his gaze shifted over the exposed bruises, over the bandages covering most of him - covering his neck. There was a part there that they couldn’t cover up, too close to his jaw, too deep into the skin. He assumed it was a thumb, but he didn’t want to think about that. 

Of course, he didn’t really have a choice - his mind seemed interested enough.

He cringed when he saw Noll reaching for his neck.

Before he could move, a pale hand was before him, stopped the other’s midway. “I’m sorry,” Lin said, “for reacting that way.” He lowered Noll’s hand to the latter’s lap, held it in both of his. 

John absentmindedly rubbed his together.

“I’m just... I was worried and scared.” He took a breath. “But that’s probably not what you want to hear right now.” His face was hard, his eyes _shaking_, as if that’s normal - only anime would. As per default, Lin looks like a cranky thirty year old with a bad attitude and a general hate towards the world - were it not for his age, I would most certainly be describing a _teen_, although it is 2019 and age doesn’t really matter anymore. Moving back to topic, for this is quite the serious subject, Lin is not very much used to showcasing his emotions in the raw and bitter. He is used to expressing them in the company of the most trusted. He _was_ used to keep up the wall and not let anyone inside until he is most absolutely sure they wouldn’t tear them down.

That would be his prioritized rule - let nobody in, let nothing out.

That rule changed with this boy, whom he swore to protect and care for, and _help_.

The same boy who was smirking at him like Lin had just said something _really funny_. “You’re making the same face from when you thought you’d lost that butterfly report-“ he snorted, covered his mouth with his hand.

Lin put his head in his hands. “This is serious, Noll-“

“Ahh,” Noll out his hands up in mock defeat. “I know, I know.” He clasped them together, picked at his right, at the skin between his fingers. John noted he’s seen him do that before. Houshou too.

When he had _pretended_ to bend a spoon for them, Lin had looked quite upset, to say the least. Noll had had his hands only half hidden beneath the table for a few moments, and he’d been picking at his right hand too.

“I need to go write it down.” Houshou was going to speak. Only nothing came - he didn’t know what to say. 

Thankfully, Mai arrived with the tea in her hands - it took a bit too long, longer than usual as she’d been getting faster too. Her hands were shaky when she approached, but Noll didn’t point it out as he took the cup from her hands. She usually doesn’t put much honey in his tea - if any at all - but, this time, the scent came quick. “I,” she started, soft, “I put a bit more honey this time for... for your throat.” She was fidgeting, shifting her weight from foot to foot, looking away - everywhere, just _away_. 

“Thank you.” He shifted his position in the slightest, and a sharp stab of hell hot pain shot through his spine and _inside_ and it _showed_ as Lin was on him in the blink of an eye, searching, _terrified_. John was _too close_, but he shone so comfortably, Noll didn’t mind him at all. Houshou was wide eyed, moving to kneel beside his seat on the couch. He held the cup in one hand, the other went to Lin’s shoulder. “I’m fine.” He pushed too lightly - couldn’t muster the strength to do any more. Lin did back away.

He leaned forward to leave the cup on the table. “I need to go do _that_, and it’ll be just a moment,” he said, moving to grip the arm of the couch, and found hands holding his arm steady. He hadn’t noticed he was shaking until he felt the contrast of Houshou’s firm grip holding him up as he stood.

And promptly fell forward.

Thank Lin for standing still, and steady and holding him up until he was placed back onto the couch, forehead pressed on Lin’s shoulder and hands gripping his shirt for dear life. Lin tightened his grip, held him as close and tight as he allowed himself to go. “Noll?”

“I’m fine.” Lin’s heart clenched at his voice, cracking and pained, and he could swear he’d heard everyone else’s shatter, a sharp heavy sound. “I’m fine,” he repeated, quieter. Though the nearly desperate hitch to it, the sharpness that made it a bit too thick and high and unplanned...like he was straining to speak, the act painful as it is, it was too loud. He pushed at Lin’s shoulder - too light, though Lin backed away once more. 

“I guess,” Noll started, eyes cast down and hidden. “I guess my legs won’t be...cooperating for now.” He slumped on the couch, hands fiddling with each other and a deep frown twisting down his brows. John thought he looked cute. “Lin-“ Lin handed him the black notebook, open on an empty spread, and a pen he’d had at hand. “Thank you,” Noll said, small - he looked so small to Lin, crouched and very much beneath him in height at that moment. He stood and watched as Noll started scribbling down notes. 

Mai made a noise between a groan and a laugh and just something else, standing behind Noll, and the couch, and looking over his shoulder. “I can’t read it.”

“Well, obviously.”

“I can read English, I’m not that stupid-“

“My handwriting is quite terrible.” Noll said with a quiet laugh, didn’t stop writing. “Everybody’s always complained about that so it’s not really your fault.”

Mai pouted, forgot he couldn’t see her. “Ahhh,” she said, at last, “I like it better when you insult me.”

“I’ll insult you when the time comes where you do something stupid.” He stopped writing to check something in a previous page, and then went on again. “Don’t worry, it’ll probably come soon enough.”

She let her head fall onto the back of the couch with a whiny moan.

“Why do you write so much?” Said Houshou from his fixed place beside the couch. He had his arms back over his chest and a grimace into place, eyes still burning with a rage Mai has never seen before, not on him.

“I’ve been told to make it as detailed as possible. They’d analyze the report and connect it to their evidence, which in this case would be the bruises and wounds on her body, I suppose, and then pick what’s been approved to file in a formal document. These could specially help if the case will be taken to court, serving kind of as a victim’s testimony.” His hand froze all of a sudden and he clicked his pen.

“But do you know who the culprit is?” That was Yasuhara, but his mind didn’t process that. 

He pressed the pen to his lips. 

_Doorbell ringing._

_Birds singing and flying away, fast and heavy footsteps._

_Door opens._

_He greets her with the brightest smile._

_She thinks he looks adorable._

_“Thank you for inviting me, Arita-kun.”_

_He laughs easily - **fake**. “No need to be so formal with me, Otake-chan.”_

_She goes in and he closes the door behind them._

_”I’d like you to call me by my first name.”_

_She turns. He’s smiling, wide and **so **adorable._

_”Only to scold your mathematical inefficiency, Reijiro-kun.”_

_He laughs._

“Arita... Reijiro.” Noll went back to writing, a frown deep on his brows. He paused again, abrupt, looked up and started “Lin-“ though the man was on his armchair with his computer on his lap, ready and _very upset_.

“Lived in London for eight years, moved back to Japan a few months ago.” He leaned back on the couch, arms crossed. “He studied in Cambridge too.” He turned to Noll. “Do you think-“

“Absolutely.”

“Wa-what?” Noll wasn’t sure who asked so he directed his gaze to Yasuhara sitting on the couch across from him. He looked down again after a moment.

“I went to school with him.” He leaned back on the couch, hand resting with the pen in a loose grip over his notes, eyes cast down. “We were in the same class for a few courses, I think.” He clicked his pen. “Already on the first semester there were rumors about him being too loose with the girls. On the second someone said he’d actually... done it.”

“Did he?”

“He did.” He clicked his pen again, though none acknowledged the unnecessary force behind it. “I... confirmed it. We’re still pretty close, her name’s Nanaley. She’d asked me to become a... witness too. But then Reijiro’s father threatened her family, I believe, and she was forced to withdraw her charges.”

“That son of a-“ Houshou clicked his tongue, arms crossed tight, knuckles white. Mai didn’t think she’d ever seen him so ready to punch the living daylights out of someone. 

“Who knows how many times that happened.” Mai turned to Ayako, who spoke, noted her creased brows and the heavy downturn of her lips.

“Many enough.” Noll said, and Mai felt her heart stop for the umpteenth time that single day. “Enough for me to remember what that place looks like so vividly.” He flipped through the recently filled pages - five or six - Mai couldn’t understand how they filled so quickly. The book closed and he handed it to Lin. “You should definitely ask for a raise if you understand what’s in there, my hand’s still quite shaky.”

Lin held the book and took to reading it, only to put it down not a minute later. “I’ll do it later, back at home,” he said, closing the computer. He left the work on the table and stood to get some tea for himself.

“Naru?” Noll looked up at Yasuhara, still sitting before him, let his hands fall from his legs to a hidden place close to his body. Suddenly the in-between of the couch pillows felt so much more interesting than it really was. Yasuhara opened his mouth a few times before resigning to silence - that until Ayako took the liberty of smacking him up the head. “I’m sorry,” he said at last, “I just... I don’t know what to say...”

“Ah.” Noll moved his left hand back to his leg, the other taking on his weight when he subconsciously let himself droop to the side. Houshou seemed alarmed by it but he dared not think too much. He dared not ponder uselessly on the soreness coming to various parts of his body, nor think too hard on the stabs of harsh white hot pain insisting on his right arm and hand, on his feet and knees and back and neck and forehead and... 

A thundering form of pain came to pound on his chest, intent on breaking his bones, so fragile around his heart - he’d lost count of how many times he’d broken those very same bones, although he never really did. It hammered on his chest, knocked the breath out of him so very _easily_. He found himself gasping for air, harsh and _desperate_, found his vision engulfed by the dark and didn’t notice he was blocking the light himself - not only him, Houshou did his part too, although he didn’t notice that.

He didn’t notice a panicked Yasuhara rushing to him with an expression he couldn’t decipher if he tried looking for longer than an absent glance. “I’m fine,” he breathed out, didn’t feel it come out of his mouth but heard it a bit too clearly, knew where it came from, logically, only couldn’t place it on experience. “I’m fine.”

Lin hadn’t come back and no one hadn’t really noted John taking his leave towards the kitchen as well.

Yasuhara had his left hand on his right, the other hovering quite uselessly above them, a look of heavy concern deepening the misplaced frown on his brows - Noll didn’t think he should be frowning at all, though he decided not to dwell on it too much.

Most of his life consisted of that, really. Of not thinking too hard lest he loses sight of the trail and _falls_. 

He’d always thought Eugene could take care of feelings for him.

Houshou had a tight grip on his right arm and it _hurt_ but he couldn’t bring himself to voice it, not with the worried-sick puppy look the older man was giving him, trailing his eyes over him as if looking for more wounds to patch up - and maybe he was, he couldn’t be sure.

He should have thought better before standing up, once standing too, because it didn’t happen immediately as he moved. He took a step, and a few more - he was talking, and they were too, but he wasn’t sure what they were talking about.

“Can you really stand up?”

“Can you walk? Do you need help?”

“You shouldn’t move too much.”

He noted he wasn’t moving at all, did they say anything to stop him? Did they _stop_ him? Somehow, the thought _confused _him. The hand that once held his right arm was on his left and he was looking at... at Ayako. She wasn’t talking, so maybe she just had. His head whipped to the side, to Yasuhara - still holding his hand, he noted. “Noll-“ he looked up, startled. It wasn’t Lin’s voice, still Yasuhara, but it was his name, his nickname, the real one, in English, good English, and he found he couldn’t process such a simple thing so maybe he wasn’t that fine at all. “-hurt.”

His mind felt sluggish all of a sudden, or maybe not that sudden, perhaps he only just noticed - when did that happen? He was fine just a moment ago, was he faking? He wasn’t faking, he could think, the pain hadn’t come, he’d been numb and heavy with exhaustion and the reminder of what had hurt but now it hurts again, it _hurts _and he can’t stop thinking about that, how it had felt just a few hours before, how he’d wanted it to just stop and be done with it and maybe never feel again if that’s what it’s supposed to be and he can’t have that, he doesn’t want that, he can’t _t__hink_.

He couldn’t feel his legs again - only he actually could. It’s a tricky thing to describe, how they felt weak and breaking and useless and still a boiling kind of cold stabbed at them thinly and strong and everywhere and not everywhere, and he knew they weren’t moving because they _couldn’t_.

Houshou was the one behind him, logic provided. Lin’s arms weren’t as buffed though his shoulders were bigger and it felt _different _but not entirely _bad_. He let himself fall further onto his hold, relished in the comfortable warmth enveloping him and it took him a bit too long to feel more hands on him, close, touching, and he forced himself to swallow a gasp, still a pained sound leaving his throat and out through his gritted teeth. The hands retreated, he felt, though warmth still came to him and maybe it wasn’t their fault, maybe it was him, he felt too hot, throat constricting and those pills should’ve done something about that - maybe they _did_.

“You think the pills’ effects are wearing off already?” He didn’t know who had spoken, didn’t know how he heard it so clearly. But again, it fluctuated - sometimes the sound came to him muffled and distorted and he couldn’t understand or read, he didn’t know, and other times it came too clear and sharp and loud and it stabbed so deep and quick, it pounded into his head and shook him to the core-

His chest exploded in something and he felt his breath leave him as if he’d been punched - he curled forward but not too far, Houshou’s hold tighter on him, head past his shoulder and breathing hot - _too hot_ \- in his ear, he could hear it so _strong_.

“That’s a huge reaction...” he felt a coldness hovering close, reaching for his hands - his right hand holding his left wrist tight, too tight, bruising. It felt loose and breaking and too weak, boiling at the joint, cold in his finger tips, sweat in his palms and it all made no sense to him but he _felt _it and gosh did it _hurt_. 

“We should-“ Houshou squeezed once, Ayako paused and took a breath. “Can we-“ The monk squeezed a bit harder and another sound left the younger boy in his arms. His mind realized his mistake though his heart still pounded away too hard for him to keep up, it took him all of his focus to keep his breathing from going insane. “Hey,” Ayako reached for Houshou’s shoulder, cold hand pressing a bit too hard and still lacking strength, somehow. 

Houshou loosened his grip.

The heavy breathing coming from the boy startled him and his erratic heart beat showed no means of slowing down, even though _logically_ he knew Noll was _okay_, he was alive and _not dying_, and he was hurt and he wasn’t making things better, not for him or himself or anyone, he was doing wrong, he should let go, but the nagging fear of _watching_ as it happened, watching him fall again and get hurt - he couldn’t take that. “I’m sorry,” he voiced, low and hoarse. He didn’t notice any tears - they hadn’t fallen yet. Why was he crying again?

Mai returned from wherever she’d gone to - the bathroom, it seemed, although Lin and John were supposed to be in the kitchen. No one questioned.

“Noll,” Lin said, didn’t wait for a response of any kind, he knew he was listening, he _knew_. _Logically_. “What do you feel, do you know what happened?”

Noll felt the sudden urge to bark a laugh at his face, but didn’t find the strength so nothing came out but a huffed cough, weak still which could be very much alarming - Houshou tightened his grip again.

It hurt.

Noll curled in on himself a bit more - he hadn’t noticed when he started. The tight grip around him would’ve been comforting any other time, maybe, but right then it felt more like _those hands _were the ones holding him, too tight and painful and harsh and _desperate_ why was _he_ desperate? - he wasn’t. That wasn’t him, that was Houshou, not him but Houshou who held him like he was the most precious thing in the world and he couldn’t begin to _u__nderstand_-

And he was so warm too. 

_Hands a feet tied together, harsh breaths still persistent in making their way out, the air coming in sharp and frozen - why was it freezing and god why did it hurt so much to breathe..?_

He fell forward a little further, the hold tightened on him again - just slightly, fearing... something. He couldn’t place a word on the feeling blooming in his chest - but it was so weak when compared to those he had already named, cold and thundering and throbbing and _painful_.

His head felt too full and heavy, boiling inside - he thought he might have a fever.

_She couldn’t see much at all, the world dark and green around the edges with splotches all around, and then light and blind and she couldn’t help the panic everytime everything failed._

A shiver went up his spine, violent, and a pained sound escaped his mouth. The hold on his loosened just barely and he felt an empty cold surround him and fill him and break-

_Her head met a hard surface - rock - and it felt pretty much like mjölnir herself had been guided through her skull, shattering any remnants of sanity and life within her, squashing motivation out of her like a sac of wasted brains. It was gross to think but she thanked gods she could still think at all._

_The same pain had shot up her shoulder but she couldn’t mind that, she didn’t notice, her mind numb and unfocused and blurry and **blind**._

It didn’t take too long until she died - only long enough for the quiet to seep into her soul and open her wounds again. She remembered everything at the last minute - another blow to the head, a harsher one perhaps, and she would’ve died sooner. 

She remembered the pain and it came back, a flood to her nerves, and she had no strength to scream or cry or utter a single _plea_.

She died with her eyes open, blood warmer than she could feel, and mouth gasping for breath she couldn’t take in.

“Noll, look at me.”

_”Why do you write so much?”_

As detailed as possible.

People needed to know what _he_ had done, as detailed as possible.

That was all he could do.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice shaky. A throbbing and hot feeling grew in his chest and he thanked all who would take him for a feeling he could control, he could use for protection - a strong and powerful feeling he could manage to keep the others at bay and very much away.

He was so angry at... everything.

That was all he could do and the realization of it hit him too hard every time he did this, every time he tried he couldn’t do anything but _this_, he could never do _more_ and he couldn’t have prevented it and he can’t help _now _and he can’t do anything-

Hands cupped his face and he was looking straight at Ayako - her hands were so cold, how could that be? “Hey,” she said again. He hadn’t heard her the first time. “You have nothing to be sorry for just... why should you apologize?” She was frowning and he liked how the wrinkles she disliked so intensely would show so easily when she couldn’t bring herself to care.

It reminded him of Luella, he realized.

“This,” he started, swallowed, breathed out a heavy sigh and relished in the thick and tight arms still enveloping him, strong, tighter. “This is all I can do.”

A silence fell over them once more, none dared to speak.

Mai barely noticed when her knees hit the floor, legs weak and she could’ve sat on the couch but then he wouldn’t be within reach and that means way _too far_.

He started and the words came out like a broken faucet, a rock falling from his chest with each one, the weight lifting ever so slightly each time. “My word is nearly as valuable as that of a dog to the police and all who _really matter_. Most people still think it’s _fake_, and trick of some sort, with all proof there is they choose to _not believe_ as if it’s not enough for me to _show them_. And it hurts so much, everywhere and it has for too long but for most people it’s not real, as if they can just _say_ that and let it be true and still I can’t do anything about it, I still cannot be guaranteed what I say will even be _approved_. It’s unbearable and _insane _and she felt like this for the last minutes of her life, and she died crying for help and still _this is all I can do_-“

“And it’s okay!” 

Houshou startled Noll to silence, tightened his grip and held his chin on his shoulder, cheek on the younger’s neck and the position felt _i__ntimate_ and _too close_ and nearly uncomfortable because, for a second or two each time, Noll forgets who it is and his heart skips a beat and it’s skipped too many already - he might die- “You’ve done everything you could to help and I’m sure she is very grateful for that.” His voice was too shaky, wavering with thick emotion, and he couldn’t have it come out steady enough or firm enough but he _tried_.

“Still,” he breathed out, “I should be able to do _more_,” _he would’ve done more - they would’ve done more, together_, “I should be able to help her _now_”, like _he_ would’ve been.

How useless could he be?

“You just did.”

It didn’t sound convincing enough - it probably never would. Although, deep inside, he knew what he had done and what it implied.

Deep down, he was aware he had done _everything he could_.

Logically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, thank you for reading! I have a few ideas for some other stories, one of them an actual case which would probably turn into a real multi-chapter fic, though that would take... a while. So for now only shorts cause one is busy with... god it’s hard to say this... I mean school... help me.
> 
> Please let me know if you liked it, leave a review, I’d very much appreciate that. If not, leave a kudos then, it’s only a click, come now, feed a peer. Thank you again, have a good one!

**Author's Note:**

> There will be another chapter, which I will publish either today or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow.  
Hope you enjoyed it.. I have no idea, I’m sorry. Do leave a review and a kudos, gimme some, author-san is starving. Thank you for reading.


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